Why Do We Take It Out On Mom?

My Mom always says that when I am in a bipolary mood, that I take everything out on her. She says that everything becomes her fault, I forget everything she does for me, and I talk to her in such a mean way that it breaks her heart.  Why does bipolar make you treat the people you love that way?  She says it's because on some subconscious level, my heart knows that "Mom" will always be there and will stand her ground and be the rock I need and not leave even if my head doesn't know it at the moment, regardless of what I throw at her.

So I have been staying at this guys house for about 3 weeks now.  I haven't been coming home in order to get my meds at a good time in the morning.  My Mom says she can see the change come over me. My Mom tells me that she can tell when I'm going into a "Bipolar moment or taking a trip to Bipolar Land" (as she calls it: to add humor to an awful situation she says), because she says my eyes change- like someone else is taking over me. My eyes glaze over with hate and become squinty and accusatory.  And my attitude changes and I become angry.  Angry at everything, and most of all, angry at her.  She says I never curse and yell at her unless I'm in that place.  The last time it happened and she told me that she knew it wasn't me saying those mean things to her, because I don't talk to her that way when I'm alright.  She told me she understands and just trys to help and be compassionate and understanding and that no matter what I do she always loves me.  I did cry after that and I told her I don't want to be this way, and she told me she knows that and that we are trying to help me feel better.

But then I have moments when I insist that I am fine. Nothing bad is gonna happen, everything is fine - fine.  My Mom cries and tells me I need to help her because she can't do this by herself. I tell her that I take care of myself.  I sleep a lot during the day.  My Mom tells me that I make bad choices and she wants me to sleep at home and sleep during the night and eat properly and take my medicine every morning and have a schedule.

I do have a part time job now. (It's difficult for me to hold a job for too long) My Mom drives me to work and picks me up if I need her too. She bought me new clothes for work.  But I stay out the night before I have work.  I do what I want to do, regardless of if my Mom asks me to sleep at home on a night before I have to work the next day.

One day I came home after being away from home for 2 days and I had taken my medicine late and I became very upset and anxious and I insisted that I couldn't go to work. I got very angry.  I cursed and yelled.  My Mom sat with me and talked me down from this mood.  She was calm.  She sat on my bed with me.  She told me I needed to go to work because I had just started.  She told me it gives my mind and body something else to focus on.  She told me that I felt bad in that moment, but if I just gave it some time for the meds to kick in and have something to eat that I would feel better.  She calmly talked to me the entire time I was in this awful mood.  She assured me that it would be alright, and that we just needed to let the meds have time to help.  She made me lunch.  And as we drove to work and she assured me that I could do it. Her new favorite line to tell me when she drops me off is "Have courage and be kind.", from Cinderella. But she didn't just drop me off, she came in to work with me.  She stayed at my job (a retail store) for an hour and a half, to check that I was alright and in case I needed her.  She browsed around and would occasionally peek in where I was and smile or wave to me. And she didn't leave until she came over and checked and asked if I was ok and I told her I was.  I told her later that I did feel better as the day went on. She said she knew I would and that she was glad.